I always thought my sheet folding post would remain the pinnacle of my “dumb shit” posts. Then I decided to challenge myself to come up with some thing more lame.
The wait is over.
That day is here my friends.
You are welcome.
When we lived in Los Angeles, I worked for a large corporate company that often had fancy pants parties. More often than not, I was hosting said fancy pants party (with the company paying of course!). My small town table manners (don’t talk with food in your mouth, ask your fellow diners questions about themselves, and don’t put your elbows on the table lest you squish the tiny fairies that live on the edge of your table) were decent, but had not prepared me for multiple forks and fancy table settings.
I felt out of my element at these functions. I needed my own Barney from Pretty Woman to take me around, dress me up, and then grill me on which fork to use when. And I obviously needed to be reminded not to wear my knee-high hooker boots to these functions. And spoiler alert: Edward Lewis is not my uncle!
Sadly, I don’t exactly remember where I picked these tips are (were they all from one person, or did I get them online?), but I did learn them eventually and they were so helpful when I was at Spago (yes, seriously), or another restaurant where they also happened to be filming The Hills (yes, seriously).
First things first, silverware – generally if there are multiple forks, you use the fork starting with the outside first. So, if someone puts a first course in front of you, use the fork furthest away from you to eat that dish. When that plate is taken away, the fork goes with it. When the next course is placed before you, use the next furthest fork from you. And so on and so on.
And let’s say you’re the one setting that dinner table. Where does the silverware go? Easiest way to remember it:
Fork has four letters, so does left. The fork goes on the left (side note, if you’re ever eating on a boat and someone tells you to go to the PORT side, just remember that PORT and LEFT both have four letters).
Knife and spoon both have five letters, so does right. Therefore, the knife and spoon go on the right side of the plate. And on a boat, starboard is on the right (“board” has five letters just like right).
If you’re seated at a packed table and there is silverware, bread plates, dinner plates, water glasses, blah blah blah in front of you, it can be overwhelming. Take a deep breath and remember this tip: your “Bread” plate is to the left and your drink is to the right of your main plate.
Please believe me that I’ve make those hands under the table during dinner trying to remember which is which.
Should you ever find yourself at a fancy restaurant, now you’re prepared. If you find yourself eating dinner at my house, just make a modest attempt at washing your hands, don’t pick your nose too often, and we’ll call it good.
If you find yourself at M.C. Hammer’s house for dinner, this might be a useful tool for you:
God help me, I hope someone understands that reference.