I distinctly remember my first grade teacher telling me that I should be a writer one day. She encouraged me to enter a story in to a writing contest for elementary students, and I won for our school! I got to go to a local community college for the day and attend writing conferences.
Funny that now, in my 30’s, I’d actually be writing, for real.
Recently, my mom found the book that earned me the trip to the writing conference. I had a fun time of looking it over, but I gotta say, it’s pretty obvious I was weird from the beginning. I mean, “Honey Spits”? I didn’t know that at seven, I had a talent for creating amazing porn star names.
So, in the absence of a post about food, chickens, gardening, or a DIY home product, I bring you The Tale of Honey Spits. The text is kinda hard to read thanks to the awesome preservative powers of lamination, so I have added captions.
The cover. So gothic. The index card is hiding my full (maiden) name.
Page 1. Argh, even at 7 I had a hard time with “its” vs. “it’s”.
|Once upon a time there was a little girl who had a dog. It’s name was Honey Spits.|
Page 2. Did I give those birds penises?
|She was polka dotted and she looked funny. She does not look like a normal dog.|
|Honey Spits is smart! She knows how to do her math facts. Honey Spits knows what 14×3 is. It is 42.|
Page 4. Ack, more penis birds! Dang, some of those birds should be in the movies if you know what I mean…
|She is fun to be with. Honey Spits is sometimes a WHACK-O!|
Page 5. Anyone care to venture a guess as to what the brown things are in the grass? No clue over here. Maybe penis bird poop?
|She solves mysteries too. Honey Spits solved the mystery of The Case of the Missing Milkbones!|
|The shape of the eraser comes out to be a unicorn. It turns on a special machine and it says ooo…ooo…ooo…and it charges of Honey Spits! That is when Honey Spits checks into the Doggie Bone Inn.|
|When Honey Spits gets up to her room, she looks out the window to see if the french poodle is there. When the coast is clear, she checks out of the motel and goes home with the little girl.|
|One day the U.P.S. Doggie Delivery rang the doorbell. Honey Spits opened the package. It was a small, little, tiny, bright yellow cat. At first Honey Spits didn’t like the cat, but as time went on, they got to be very very good friends.|
:takes a bow: