Holy smokes people, it has been a loooooooong time since we had a confessions post!
For you newbies, confessions are where I unburden my soul of the silly, you do the same, and then we all have a great laugh. Let’s get started!
1) I freaking HATE sitting in traffic during nice weather, because inevitably some asshat around me is going to be smoking in their car with the window down. Go ahead and kill yourself buddy, but I’m already breathing in all this exhaust. I don’t want to inhale your shit too.
2) I am a crazy good parallel parker. Like, there should be a YouTube channel of me parking various cars.
I guess that’s not a confession. Hmmm…
I’m a giant braggart about my parallel parking skills.
3) When I lived in LA, I was once helping someone I worked with move. There were three of us in the cab of a U-Haul on a Friday night, and I was driving. We saw the turn too late, so I went down a little bit further, and flipped a bitch. On Hollywood Blvd. On a Friday night. Do you know the mixture of skill and dumbasses that requires? I cringe when I think of that. So stupid.
And kinda proud too.
4) I used to be semi-handy. My sister is really handy, but I could hold my own.
That all went away when I married Troy. He can do anything, build anything, and fix anything. And now I’m about 90% useless.
5) There is a second every single morning when I get out of the shower, look in the mirror, and I’m like “damn my skin and my thighs look amazing today”.
And then I remember (every single morning) that I’m not yet wearing my contacts and everything is blurry.
6) Nuts do not belong in cookies. Ever. If you put nuts in cookies, you’re a communist. You know who loves nuts in cookies? The leader of North Korea.
7) I am so freaking sick of hearing about Nerf guns, that I have to declare “Nerf-free” hours in my house. I seriously can’t take one more conversation of “Mommy, guess what, the retaliator is more powerful than the Magnus 3000”, holy hell just shut up.
8) If you’re in my house in winter on the weekends, you’ll notice that I always have food on my floor vents. I’m using the heat to help the bread rise, or defrosting something from the freezer. It looks fairly trashy.
9) A few months ago we ran out of our normal toothpaste (Toms of Maine), so I used a small tube from our travel bag. For the next week, my mouth broke out in these horrible sores. I thought I developed herpes overnight or something.
I got some Toms from the grocery store the next week, and within a day, the sores were gone.
Seriously, what are they putting in “conventional” toothpaste???? I won’t call out the company of the herpes toothpaste, but let’s just say it rhymes with Breast.
10) After you have a baby, the nurses want you to pee within x number of hours. I want to say it’s 3 or 4? And if you don’t, they threaten you with a catheter. I’m sure there is some data about why you need to pee in that amount of time. I’m totally not knocking them for doing their job.
But let’s just say my bits had seen some major trauma when Jack and his 99th percentile head was born. My bladder was in revolt, and any nether regions parts wanted no business with the evacuation of anything. It wasn’t happening.
My sister was there a few hours after he was born and helped me to the bathroom. The nurse stood outside the bathroom. This is where having someone who can read your mind with three blinks and a tug of the ear is invaluable. With just a glance, my sister decoded my message of “fill up the peri bottle very slowly with water from the faucet. Shhhhh, don’t make a sound”. Troy would have looked at me said “what, you want me to do what? Fill up the bottle? WHY” super loudly and given away my deception.
After she was done filling it, we squirted it in to the toilet and I announced “I peed” and the nurse and her catheter went away. Seriously, I’m not sure how she could have even inserted it anyway. I’m sure we all look like the Elephant Man down there after labor.
About 20 minutes later, I peed on my own. 15 minutes past the time I was told I would be tubed up if I hadn’t. Phew.
Thanks sis. Thanks for being able to read my mind. My shredded Britney and I thank you.
Ok, your turn to share your silly confessions!