So here is how things are. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. You do not read my blog for a Photoshopped version of reality.
And today, you’re here for confessions.
Confessions are a monthly series on this blog, where I unload silly things I’ve been thinking about for the last month. And, you? You also share your confessions, and we all have a great laugh together.
Ready? Set? Go!
1) This is a memo to a very small percentage of the population.
Date: February 19, 2014
Subject: Soul Patches
To Whom It May Concern:
Do you have a soul patch? STOP IT. You look a fool.
2) I’m not sure why Jennifer Lopez is still a thing. How did a person with an extremely weak singing voice get put in charge of a singing competition?
3) I am an animal lover. Troy has allergies, so pets are not meant to be. But, I LOVE animals.
I wanted you to understand that before you read the next sentence.
I hate every single dog on my street. They suck. I should hate the owners, but alas, I hate the dogs. Each of them bark, and none of them have been taught good dog manners.
We have the two loud pit bulls down the street who have already been on a daytime TV court drama for biting people. We have a yappy Jack Russell who barks his ass off each time he so much as farts. And then, there is the king asshole – a German Shepard (huge) puppy. Our lots are terraced because we’re on a hill. The yard above us is home to the German Shepard. He likes to stand at the fence and growl at me like he wants to eat my face. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried giving him treats, but so help me god the next thing he is going to get is a rake handle to the face if he ever tries to come in to my yard. He is unreliable, and the neighbors across the street don’t let their kids play in their yard anymore because of this dickhead dog. I’m scared to be in my garden, and I want to bitch slap both him and his owner for improper training. They’re moving in a few months, so I’m not making a stink about it, but I am so freaking sick of this dog.
4) I use audiobooks as bait for Jack’s behavior. If he is acting like a tool, I take his current audiobook de jour away for a day. If he keeps it up, he loses it for a week.
A casual observer would think this a highly-effective parenting tool. The casual observer wouldn’t see that I do that because I’m so freaking sick of James and Giant Peach, that I would love to boil the whole damn fruit and can it. Sans the centipede’s 21 sets of boots.
5) I think “free radicals” are a bunch of horse shit, designed to make people spend a huge amount of money on crappy lotions.
6) I don’t get play silks. I’m not knocking them, but I seriously don’t get them. You can go to www.crunchyoverpricedchildcrap.com (I hope that actually isn’t a real website) and buy one for $75, or you could go to my parent’s linen closet and use their ugly orange king-sized sheet from the 70’s. I’m not getting the difference. Please explain, cause I’m super lost.
7) When Jack and I are in his bed reading, he does something that absolutely drives me batty, and I can’t get him to stop. He puts his knee directly on my hip bone and it feels so weird. I’ve tried putting a barrier between my hip and his leg, but it doesn’t work. I’m starting to feel OCD about it.
8) I am going to give up swearing for Lent.