I do not drink alcohol. Just a personal decision, but I have no problem with others enjoying their fermented beverages of choice. This time of year, every four years, makes me wish I enjoyed booze. My sister and I are self-described “governerds” (she teaches AP History, and I actually worked for the Washington legislature for three years), and enjoy debates, the politicking, and the whole shebang. But, even with finding the process fascinating, I still find myself thinking it would be much better viewed while tipsy.
I can’t stand either candidate. As described in previous posts, it’s like trying to decide between a crap sandwich and a diarrhea shake. Booze and Pepto will be all our friends over the next four years. I dislike one candidate more than I dislike the other. But then saying I like the other candidate would be like choosing to get the clap over herpes. And thus, I have developed a drinking game for you, my fellow presidential observers. Grab your preferred beverage, get comfy on the couch, and come Monday the 26th at 6 pm PT, drink your fears for our country away. You may as well call in sick on for Tuesday, cause you’re not going to be feeling your personal best.
- Either candidate dances around the first question by saying “let me start by thanking the good people of x for being here today, and for you Lester (Holt) for taking the time to moderate”. Take a shot.
- First mention of Benghazi. Take two shots.
- Any mention of making America great again. Take a sip. It’s going to be said a lot. Use moderation.
- Once it is pointed out that America is already amazing, take two sips.
- Take a shot once you have tallied up 15 mentions of the Middle Class. Alternatively, you can also sub in the 1%, the rich (or wealthy), or the poor.
- Walls. Being built. Or being unnecessary. Drink. A lot.
- Any time Hillary looks like she is going to crack a tooth from clenching her jaw, take a shot.
- Any subtle mentions of either candidates health. Drink.
- Hillary changing her email story again? Drink. Don’t give two shits about said emails? Drink.
- Clean energy mention? Get up and do 15 jumping jacks. Or fart in front of a fan. Because both are about equal to the appropriation Congress will ever be willing to designate for clean energy.
- References to picking oneself up by the bootstraps? Take a sip.
- If Gary Johnson is mentioned, have some Honest Tea.
- If either candidate alludes to the fact that Gary Johnson didn’t know what Aleppo is, take a drink.
- If you don’t know what Aleppo is, lose a drink. Go to BBC news. Embrace the world out there beyond TMZ and Pokemon Go.
- Once Lester Holt reaches a total count of 20 times adjusting his very round glasses, drink.
- If Donald uses a word that seems made up, like “bigly”, drink twice. If he repeats a word multiple times for misguided emphasis, drink just once. For irony. Weep for our overworked English teachers.
- Hillary alluding to her foreign policy experience, means you take a sip of something imported.
- Any mention of Trump steaks, hotels, wine, water, or The Apprentice, take a shot of Trump vodka. I’m assuming there is such a thing, and that it is terrible. Spit it out.
- Pandering to “the good people in the state of x”, or “I met so and so on the campaign trail and they said x” earns you a cup of coffee. It’s going to be a long night of bullshit; time to rally.
- Hearing that a candidate”shares your values” earns you a slice of pizza. I don’t know if any candidate can get elected based on their love of bacon and those mythical $10 off any purchase coupons that Target mails out to their Red Card debit users, but if so, sign me up for doorbelling. They’ve earned my vote, cause those are my values.
- Eye rolling, lip pursing, or throwing hands up in exasperation at something the other person said earns you a shot.
An overall sense of despair and sadness settling in to the pit of your stomach? Drink an entire bottle of wine. Crawl in to the fetal position, and sob yourself to sleep. Pray very hard. And plan to vote in less than 50 days. Or don’t. That seems perfectly reasonable in this election cycle. Blech.